The Wisdom of My Mentors

I attended the SCMA Fall Conference yesterday for my 9th year. I'll confess that I was less than enthusiastic because for the first time in the past 5 or 6 years, I was neither presenting nor chairing the conference. But my expectations were so far exceeded. From the beginning of the day, with a moment of memory of Richard Millen, to the awe inspiring work of my friends, Laurel Kaufer and Doug Noll at "Prisons of Peace", the day was devoted not merely to developing "The Business of Mediation" as the theme suggested, but to getting to the business of mediating in every way we are called upon to do. This year's honorees, Woody Mosten and Lee Jay Berman have both been mentors and icons for me in developing my own practice and they didn't disappoint in their keynote addresses yesterday. Woody provided the constant (but often much needed) reminder than our approach to marketing needs to rely upon our approach to mediation: listen to our clients and referral sources, inquire about their needs, bring peace (not sales) into every conversation at every opportunity. Woody has privately counseled me on many occasions in this new venture: model the behavior that people want in a mediator and they will hire you if you are trustworthy, demonstrate genuine integrity and can bring peace into every room you enter.
Lee Jay did a dynamite presentation on "Closing" the Deal. Lee Jay is, I have found, a chameleon in that he presents himself as just so put together he could be called "slick", and yet is so very thoughtful, deep-thinking, insightful, that it's a consistently welcome surprise. He taught me a few new great tools for closing, and what's more, demonstrated his humanity, his humility and all of the reasons why so many in our community look up to him as mentor, teacher, friend.

I also learned a great deal of things to consider, as solid, reliable business habits, from my friends and colleagues, Ralph Williams, Nikki Tolt and Len Levy. They are those special people in my professional life who have taken me in as a fledgling "newbie" and given me the guideposts and reassurance that if I work at this, and want to succeed, and stay the course, I will become that successful mediator who can make this my life's work.

I am so grateful for those who have given me so much advice over these years. And so proud to reflect that I have followed their advice and am still a part of this mediation community after 9 years. With both enthusiasm and gratitude!

Kudos to SCMA, Phyllis Pollack President, Kendall Reed, Chair and to my friends, Laurel Kaufer, Ralph Williams, Nikki Tolt and Len Levy and my mentors, Woody Mosten and Lee Jay Berman for an inspirational conference. It will not soon be forgotten!

Insightful Closings

Los Angeles lost a great friend and "Granddaddy of Mediation", Richard Millen, last week. I had the good privilege of knowing Richard well, as he had a seat on the Board of the Southern California Mediation Association "in perpetuity" during my term as President there and we sat together on the State Bar's ADR Committee. If I could capture his philosophy in a very few words, he was a defender of the process of mediation as an essentially human prospect. He was, although a lawyer himself, quite opposed to the legalistic (or commercial) approach to human conflict. So it was with great interest that I attended the International Academy of Mediator's Conference in Salt Lake City where four highly regarded commercial mediator's from London, England to Cleveland, Ohio to Northern and Southern California, revealed their most "insightful closings". All of them involved human conflict which took self-confident and highly competent lawyers taking a step back to allow their clients to truly express themselves in the heartbreak they'd suffered in order to resolve both the emotional and the financial issues that stood between them. I'll give Richard Millen's legacy the credit for shining a light on the "mediation" of the two strains of conflict within our own community: it's okay to "Show me the Money" if you can also meet the human needs by addressing the emotional factors in mediation. Thanks, Richard, and rest in peace. Your legacy will live on.

Mediator's Ethics: Does it Include a Just Outcome for the Disputants?

Yesterday I attended the Southern California Mediation Association's 21st Annual Conference. The piece by Professor/Dean Peter Robinson of The Straus Institute of Dispute Resolution at Pepperdine University really caused me to examine my practice. Although the talk was billed as "Ethics for Mediators", Professor Robinson provoked us to question whether mediator's have a heightened duty to make sure that whatever agreements we "broker" have legitimacy, integrity and meet legal standards. The legal standards would, of course, include only those agreements which were not entered under duress or coercion, were based upon informed consent and entered into by a person of sound mind and capacity. Robinson suggests that this is all the more important because if a party enters into an agreement in the context of mediation, he or she can never establish that the agreement was unfair and therefore set it aside later. Hmmm...This puts a burden upon the lawyer mediator that I'm not sure I'm willing to accept. I was pretty satisfied being staunchly "impartial" and allowing the parties to exercise their self determination. And yet....It's noteworthy to point out that there are Model Standards for Mediators, which are a little different from those adopted here in California, that require both self-determination and fairness. Occasionally, these contradict one another. I have frequently presided over mediations in which I believed that one side was getting an unfair "deal"--but did not intervene to re-balance the terms of a deal which both sides agreed to enter into. While I routinely "test" whether there is money left on the table, for example, I typically refrain from interfering in a negotiation which seems to me to be imbalanced. I assume that each party, always acting through their attorneys in my case, have their own reasons for doing what they are about to do--even if it doesn't make sense to me. There is something driving them to reach the deal that they strike--and I'm generally satisfied that I need not safeguard the "outcome", just the fairness of the process. Robinson's lecture suggests otherwise. I'm still examining...

The Value of A Professional Study Group

Over the past couple of weeks, I've attended a couple of different study groups that have really enhanced my practice in small and large ways. The first, hosted by my colleague, Wendy Kramer through the Southern California Mediation Association, was a group of about a dozen mediators. We considered a difficult personality and a bind that one of our members had experienced in a mediation that had not yet been completed. The very next day, I found myself in a quandary about an issue of finalizing a settlement. I called Wendy and suggested the topic for our next monthly meeting. It was a great relief to be able to take that matter off my shoulders, anticipating wisdom, validation or consolation within a matter of weeks from some of my esteemed contemporaries. This past week, I attended an informal gathering of about 17 mediators and a few other professionals, at the home of my friend, Laurel Kaufer. There, we were guided in the art of the story by Stacie Chaiken, about whom I have previously posted (see the Blog about storytelling). I think Stacie has a certain dynamic genius, but more than that, it was again a rich opportunity to take our thinking and practice to a higher level, and our friendships to a deeper one. We all spend plenty of time attending events where clients or potential clients are, but often ignore our inner needs to enrich and unload our own triumphs and challenges amongst a group of professionals who understand them. It may not be a coincidence that the only images I could find on Google to depict study groups were Church groups. So my conclusion is that these groups have the potential, perhaps even promise, of restoring a mediator's soul. The redemption offered by your colleagues' validation or simple understanding is unrivaled. I am grateful to have become a part of each of these groups and urge you to begin one in your town or join in on an existing one. For your sake!

A Peacemaker's Picnic

Today I attended (alright, I planned...) the Southern California Mediation Association's First Annual Peacemaker's Picnic! It was a great chance to see one another as people in relation to other people who are not necessarily mediators: mothers and daughters, fathers and sons, husbands and wives, even dogs and masters gathered together to enjoy a hot dog, some pretty hiking trails, a great lawn for throwing a frisbee and some fresh, outside air. It was a great chance to see men unshaven, women in T-shirts and shorts, dirty feet and happy children...Often I think we take on so much responsibility to be sober truth-sayers, speakers of other people's truths, bearers of other people's conflict...that we don't take the time to see one another as participants in the human joys of life...like hot dogs and brownies and admiring other people's babies and ill-behaved dogs. Again, it's a matter of living life deliberately: including hard work and relaxation. A fine way to end a weekend!