Lessons from Recovery to Mediation

I had an interesting evening this Shabbat at the home of a Prison Rabbi. There, he described the process of "reaching" (with a view towards helping to "uncover" the good self within) of the prison inmates. It occurred to me that in so many instances, a courageous mediator is doing the same "uncovering" process: digging down deep to find the reasons for the behavior that lead to the initial conflict in order to "recover" the relationship or the basis for moving forward in harmony. In looking for an image to depict this thought process, I took a chance and googled "Uncovery"--a term I thought I invented! What I found was a bit of marketing research by Abraham Maslow. I share those here for you: How to Fill Your Customer's Needs


Ever hear of Maslow�s Hierarchy of Needs? If you are trying to uncover the critical information that will motivate potential customers to do business with you, if you are searching for the �meat� in your messaging, you really want to think about what Maslow had to say.

Abraham Maslow didn�t spin out his theories for marketers � he was conceiving an alternative to the more depressing, deterministic psychologies of the day. Maslow presented an optimistic view of human kind: folks are fundamentally focused on growth and love. Violence and other evils appear when basic human needs are not filled. So, for instance, denied a sense of safety, people might engage in violence to defend themselves, but they are not inherently violent.

This seems to me to be germane to both recovery, prison inmates, religion and mediation. In any case, it helps me to consider the pyramid ranging from physiologic needs to self-actualization. From "uncovery" to "recovery".

On Secrets and Blogging

Well, it finally happened. My blog was picked up by google, which was searching for someone (name now confidential!) and lead her to one of my "musings" which apparently revealed far too much of a confidential mediation. Luckily, blogging also carries a "delete" feature--so that entry is now forever zapped away in the stroke of a key. And yet...

Mediation is a solitary, secret society. We hold confidences. We try new and innovative ways to resolve conflict, knowing if it fails (or if it succeeds) it will never be revealed. Even the negotiation is confidential, so that lawyers are not supposed to tell other lawyers what they tried and how it worked in a particular fact pattern. And yet...

But the internet is a different sort of creation. It is mass media writ larger than life! And so it strikes me that the wise mediator may have to keep mum from musing via this blogging tool. And yet...

Perhaps a brief hiatus and re-consideration/reconfiguration might be warranted in this instance. While I'm tempted to reveal my innermost musings in this fashion, perhaps it's ill-advised. And yet...

Making A Life while Earning A Living

This week's Musings involve Congratulations. My daughter, Rachel, graduated from California State University this week and is pursuing a Masters Degree in Special Education. There is a great triumph in graduating a child from College. Hooray for Rachel! My son, Jordan will graduate from Oakwood School (High School) on June 14, 2007. We are very proud of both of them (and our middle son, still in College at University of Wisconsin). So this week, I did some introspection not so much on the practice of mediation, but on the life it offers. The move from practicing litigation to practicing mediation is positively liberating. Although many of my days are long, I don't bear the burden of responsibility for the fate of my clients as I did in law. I don't answer to a Senior Partner, or advocate for positions which I don't believe in because I've been hired to do so. I rarely incur the wrath of an opposing party and am almost never treated with disrespect or disdain. It has taken me several years to get there, but finally I am earning what I earned as a lawyer, but making a life that is oh, so much more satisfying to my soul. And the best part is that I was able to actively participate in watching my children grow up to be such capable, caring, decent adults. That is a life worth living.

Collaborating with Fellow Peacemakers

This week was highlighted by a Quarterly Breakfast hosted by the Western Justice Center Foundation. The WJCF is dedicated to bringing together non-profit organizations whose mission is consistent with their own: finding ways to bring peace and justice to our community. I was thrilled to meet vibrant young spirits there who represent the United Nations' efforts to clean our environment, a nursing care advocate's rights group, a group dedicated to the rights of adolescent mom's, a group repesenting children of incarcerated parents and the Dispute Resolution Services representatives, who perform community mediation through the Los Angeles County Bar Association. Together, these fine individuals and organizations are changing the face of our community--tackling hard issues and helping to repair our broken spirits and uplift our optimistic souls. Bravo! Thanks go to Najeeba Syeed Miller, Director of the WJCF for bringing together this inspiring group and as importantly for sharing the vision originally proffered by Judge Dorothy Nelson, of the United States Court of Appeal, 9th Circuit, who was the Founder of the Western Justice Center Foundation. It is a worthwhile experiment which holds a world of promise for our future!

Authenticity and Angels

This has been an introspective week, colored in large part upon two women mediators who I hardly knew, but touched me deeply. On Tuesday, I heard Linda Meyer speak on "Authenticity" in mediation. Linda urged a group of SCMA members to seek out our true selves and approach every individual with our own humanity. She gave us permission to be "in the room" and a part of the process. She reminded us that settling a case was the easy part of a mediation--but connecting with the parties in conflict was our true art. Then on Thursday my colleague and fellow woman mediator, Holly Spevak succumbed to her battle with cancer. I only met Holly on one occasion, through a mutual friend, Susan Bulfinch. Holly had a website www.spevaklaw.com for her visitors' comments. I spent about 30 minutes yesterday reviewing how this elegant woman had touched lives--from Junior High to her own law students in so many ways. It made me think about the insularity of our business, and about the concomitant far reaching potential we hold. Although many of our clients will only see us once, we have the chance to touch them, to reach them, to connect to them in ways that may change their lives forever. This was clearly Holly's legacy. Happy Mother's Day to my readers (who of course include my own mom!). May the wisdom of our foremother's be forever in the forefront of our minds and hearts.

Doing the Right Thing Correctly

I took a wonderful Class this Week given by Peter Robinson, Dean of the Straus Institute of Dispute Resolution at Pepperdine University and Robert Benjamin from Portland, Oregon. Peter spoke about the role of Apology in Mediation. I was struck by the discordance between what most of us agree is "good" and what most of us agree is "right". He offered the example of a child who throws a ball through the neighbors window. There, most of us would insist that our child go over to the neighbors, acknowledge his wrongdoing, offer to make reparations and ask for forgiveness. On the other hand, in a collision on the 405 Freeway, we would likely not consider offering to pay for the damages and asking for forgiveness on the scene, as this may wreak havoc with our insurance carrier's official "policy". I'll share a moment of grace from this past week. Many years ago, my husband and I had a falling out with a lawfirm where I was subletting over a series of errors in a document they were preparing for his business. We refused to pay the bill, and I lost my office. This week, for the first time in about 6 years, that attorney (now turned mediator) took me out to lunch. He reached out to me, acknowledged that he never felt good about the way that was handled and asked for our forgiveness, or at least understanding. I don't know whether it's a metaphor or reality, but since I saw this gentleman last, he has gone for a PHd in Divinity and lost 140 pounds. So he's been touched by grace and is substantially lighter than he was when last we saw one another. So the next time you stop to flog yourself over something you've done wrong--reach out to your assailed one, and apologize. It's right and good...and you may even find yourself lighter and feeling better all the way around!

ADR IN BLOOM PROVES SPECTACULAR

What a powerful surge of energy emanated from Washington, D.C. last week at the ABA Dispute Resolution Section's Conference. It seemed that everywhere I turned, I encountered iconic figures who have not only "made it" in the field of mediation, but guided it, shaped it, and drive it. Among those I was privileged to meet were: Ron Kelly, (as in the Northern Californian who drafted the California Evidence Code on Confidentiality), Jim Madison, Jay Folberg, Robert Creo, Erica Ariel Fox, Jim Melamed and Mel Rubin. Of course, I always relish the opportunity to be among our local heroes: Mickey Katz, Forrest (Woody) Mosten, Lee Jay Berman and June Lehrman. I was particularly gratified to present with Myer Sankary (what a great speaker and a great friend!) and Nancy Burrell. The setting was beautiful, but what transpired inside was really the impact of the week. At one point, I literally felt pulled or drawn into this field in a physical, basic way that felt so very comfortable, and yet energized. The conference was highlighted by plenary addresses by both Former Ambassador Dennis Ross and Former Senator Tom Daschle. Together, and independently, these men so validate and represent my political views and yearnings. Let's all hope that by the next visit to our nation's capital, the values presented by so many of our "former leaders" will be shouting through the hallowed halls of Congress and the White House!