Authenticity and Angels

This has been an introspective week, colored in large part upon two women mediators who I hardly knew, but touched me deeply. On Tuesday, I heard Linda Meyer speak on "Authenticity" in mediation. Linda urged a group of SCMA members to seek out our true selves and approach every individual with our own humanity. She gave us permission to be "in the room" and a part of the process. She reminded us that settling a case was the easy part of a mediation--but connecting with the parties in conflict was our true art. Then on Thursday my colleague and fellow woman mediator, Holly Spevak succumbed to her battle with cancer. I only met Holly on one occasion, through a mutual friend, Susan Bulfinch. Holly had a website www.spevaklaw.com for her visitors' comments. I spent about 30 minutes yesterday reviewing how this elegant woman had touched lives--from Junior High to her own law students in so many ways. It made me think about the insularity of our business, and about the concomitant far reaching potential we hold. Although many of our clients will only see us once, we have the chance to touch them, to reach them, to connect to them in ways that may change their lives forever. This was clearly Holly's legacy. Happy Mother's Day to my readers (who of course include my own mom!). May the wisdom of our foremother's be forever in the forefront of our minds and hearts.

Doing the Right Thing Correctly

I took a wonderful Class this Week given by Peter Robinson, Dean of the Straus Institute of Dispute Resolution at Pepperdine University and Robert Benjamin from Portland, Oregon. Peter spoke about the role of Apology in Mediation. I was struck by the discordance between what most of us agree is "good" and what most of us agree is "right". He offered the example of a child who throws a ball through the neighbors window. There, most of us would insist that our child go over to the neighbors, acknowledge his wrongdoing, offer to make reparations and ask for forgiveness. On the other hand, in a collision on the 405 Freeway, we would likely not consider offering to pay for the damages and asking for forgiveness on the scene, as this may wreak havoc with our insurance carrier's official "policy". I'll share a moment of grace from this past week. Many years ago, my husband and I had a falling out with a lawfirm where I was subletting over a series of errors in a document they were preparing for his business. We refused to pay the bill, and I lost my office. This week, for the first time in about 6 years, that attorney (now turned mediator) took me out to lunch. He reached out to me, acknowledged that he never felt good about the way that was handled and asked for our forgiveness, or at least understanding. I don't know whether it's a metaphor or reality, but since I saw this gentleman last, he has gone for a PHd in Divinity and lost 140 pounds. So he's been touched by grace and is substantially lighter than he was when last we saw one another. So the next time you stop to flog yourself over something you've done wrong--reach out to your assailed one, and apologize. It's right and good...and you may even find yourself lighter and feeling better all the way around!

ADR IN BLOOM PROVES SPECTACULAR

What a powerful surge of energy emanated from Washington, D.C. last week at the ABA Dispute Resolution Section's Conference. It seemed that everywhere I turned, I encountered iconic figures who have not only "made it" in the field of mediation, but guided it, shaped it, and drive it. Among those I was privileged to meet were: Ron Kelly, (as in the Northern Californian who drafted the California Evidence Code on Confidentiality), Jim Madison, Jay Folberg, Robert Creo, Erica Ariel Fox, Jim Melamed and Mel Rubin. Of course, I always relish the opportunity to be among our local heroes: Mickey Katz, Forrest (Woody) Mosten, Lee Jay Berman and June Lehrman. I was particularly gratified to present with Myer Sankary (what a great speaker and a great friend!) and Nancy Burrell. The setting was beautiful, but what transpired inside was really the impact of the week. At one point, I literally felt pulled or drawn into this field in a physical, basic way that felt so very comfortable, and yet energized. The conference was highlighted by plenary addresses by both Former Ambassador Dennis Ross and Former Senator Tom Daschle. Together, and independently, these men so validate and represent my political views and yearnings. Let's all hope that by the next visit to our nation's capital, the values presented by so many of our "former leaders" will be shouting through the hallowed halls of Congress and the White House!

WOW--The Power Source For Mediators

I'm off to Washington, D.C. this week to Present a Talk on "The Source of Power of the Mediator" at the ABA's Dispute Resolution Conference, "ADR in Bloom". The gist of my presentation is that Mediators draw their Power from the power of WITNESS-OBSERVATION-And WIN/WIN/WIN. More exciting than that I am able to attend a full three days of the nation's best and brightest presenting their own perspectives on the tools and nuances we can access to bring mediation to the forefront and to assure that every disputant has a chance to use it. My presentation will be complemented by my colleague, Myer Sankary speaking on "The Power of Persuasion" and Nancy Burrell, a Professor of Communication at the University of Wisconsin, who will speak on The Power coming from Communication. See my website for the full Article on The Power of WOW.

Violence in Our Universities

Yesterday's tragic events at Virginia Tech compelled me to think about the value of dialogue, insisting upon inclusion even of those who would prefer reclusion or seclusion. When I searched for the proper image, I was struck by this photo. It is from Kent State University's violence and shootings, which took place in 1968, nearly 40 years ago. Unfortunately, I'm left to conclude that passions and differences still find their way onto Colleges and Universities throughout our nation, as we sit idly by hoping that it is but an isolated incident or aberration. As the mother of three college-aged children, I have to hope that I can be a part in instigating a more open environment towards ensuring the safety of our kids by giving an open valve for all students to communicate--their despair, their anguish, their fears, their hatred of others. The other facet which struck me was that this occurred the day after my name appeared in the Los Angeles Daily Journal in an article regarding "cross-cultural mediation". The subject of the article was my colleague, Hannah Kim, who was quoted as saying she had high hopes for her Korean mediation service because the Korean people were high-spirited and outspoken, often filled with unresolved conflict. I'm proud to add the quote that: "All mediators should be trained in cross-cultural sensitivity". In any case, it is a tragic sign that the young man who was the alleged "shooter" was a Korean, raised in our nation's capital, with a heavy animosity and loathing for rich kids and a sad disappointment in religion. I'm not sure I know the answer to this horrible event, but I'm beginning to understand the depth of the questions it raises.

Five Wishes

My friend, and blogger extraordinaire, Victoria Pynchon, has invited me to play a game of blogging tag. She's asked me to reveal 5 wishes that will make my world a better place. Since today is my BIRTHDAY, and I may have had at least five candles on my cake, I'll take a stab at this one:
1) I wish that my children and grandchildren will have as happy a family life as we 5 have had always!
2) I wish that I can make a contribution, every day, towards make our civilization kinder, gentler, more understanding.
3) I wish that the practice of mediation, as a metaphor for "positive interference" in people's lives grows exponentially, in my lifetime.
4) I wish America would have a woman President in my lifetime: just to see if feminine sensibility can positively impact our children's future.
5) I wish that everyone would/could find love, and compassion and a sense of belonging and purpose as I have.
So I'm feeling pretty lucky on this, my birthday, and I hope you will join me in saying "AMEN".

Pondering The Third Side

I'm proud to have been invited to present a talk at the upcoming ABA Dispute Resolution Section Convention in Washington, D.C. "ADR in Bloom". Our talk is on "The Power of the Mediator" and my part of it has as it's premise lessons drawn from William Ury's "The Third Side". As I'm preparing the presentation, I've also somehow instinctively also acquired two new addresses for my mediation hearings: one in Century City and the other (through the Southern California Mediation Association) in Pasadena. So here's what I've concluded: The Mediator serves a valuable role if and when she goes out to the community to spread peace. Growing up in Los Angeles, I well remember the Watt's riots in the 60's and the fires and looting that followed the Rodney King incident in the 90's. Fire and violence, anger and unrest spread rapidly. It's time for us to light the torch for peace. Even as a geometric principal, by disputants coming to "my office", they leave their own offices, which are typically "war zones" and come to mine...which has sweets and calming artwork, light oak furniture and a Mezuzah on the door. I can now pray that "the Third Side" one day will be on every street corner, harking "Peace Now". That will be the day that ADR will fully be blooming. For now, we have global warming on our side...thawing out the Cold War era to who knows what's next?